What? It was just a misunderstanding. He didn't do anything.
You're such a little lapdog.
- He's got "killer" printed all over his forehead. - Ohhh-kay!
Really? Well, why'd the cops let him go, smart guy?
Obviously they don't watch enough movies. This is standard horror movie stuff.
- "Prom Night" revisited, man. - Yeah? Why would he wanna kill his own girlfriend?
There's always some stupid, bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend.
- Oh? - Simplicity.
Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.
Well, what's his reason?
Maybe Sidney wouldn't have sex with him.
What, is she savin' herself for you? - Maybe.
Now that Billy tried to mutilate her, do you think Sid would go out with me?
No, I don't at all. No.
You know who I think it is?
You know, I think it's her father.
Why can't they find her pops, man?
Because he's probably dead.
His body will come poppin' up in the last reel somewhere!
Eyes gouged out, fingers cut off, teeth knocked out!
- The police are always off track with this shit. - Man!
If they'd watch "Prom Night," they'd save time.
There's a formula to it. A very simple formula! Everybody's a suspect!
I'm telling you, the dad's a red herring. It's Billy.
How do we know you're not the killer? Huh?
- Huh? - Hi, Billy.
Maybe your movie-freaked mind lost its reality button. You ever think of that?
You're absolutely right. I'm the first to admit it.
- If this were a scary movie, I'd be the prime suspect. - That's right.
And what would be your motive?
It's the millennium.
Motives are incidental.
"Millennium." Hmm.
"Millennium." I like that. That's good. It's the millennium.
Good kid.
"Millennium." Good word, my man.
Are you telling me that's not a killer?
Sure is quiet.
God, look at this place.
It's "The Town That Dreaded Sundown."
Yeah, I saw that movie. It's about a killer in Texas, huh?
- Mmm. - Hey, Sid, just think.
If they make a movie about you, who's gonna play you?
- I shudder to think. - I see you as a young Meg Ryan myself.
Thanks, Dewey. With my luck, they'd cast Tori Spelling.
I'm just gonna be a few minutes.
You girls don't go too far.
Is Billy gonna be there tonight?
He'd better not be. I told Stu to keep his mouth shut.
I think we can live without the endorphin rush for one night.
Billy's right, you know. Whenever he touches me, I just can't relax.
So you have a few intimacy issues as a result of your mother's untimely death.
That's no big deal. You'll thaw out.
Yeah, but he has been so patient with me with all the sex stuff.
How many guys would put up with a girlfriend who's sexually anorexic?
Billy and his penis don't deserve you, all right?
Dewey, where the hell you been?
I was keepin' an eye on Sidney, uh...
- Thought you quit. - I did. But damn it...
Dewey, Vital Phone just faxed us.
Those calls are listed to Neil Prescott, Sidney's father.
He made the calls with a cellular phone. It's been confirmed.
There's no way a cellular coulda been cloned?
There's more. Guess what tomorrow is.
The anniversary of his wife's death.
We'll keep the roadblocks and the curfew in effect through the night.
If he's not picked up by morning, then we'll do a house-to-house.
- Where's Sidney? - She's with my sister.
- You want me to bring her in? - Naw.
Not just yet.
Let's find Neil first, make sure he's our man.
You stay close to Sidney.
Don't let her out of your sight.
Yes, sir.
Not too much fun, or I'll bust ya.
- Bye. - Bye, Sid.
Oh! That's absurd.
You guys were tardy for the party, so we started without you.
My man!
Shh.
Were we spotted?
I don't think so. Go get the camera.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare ya.
- Deputy, that's okay. - What brings you to these parts?
Well, you just never know when or where a story will break.
Not much of a story here. Just a bunch of kids cuttin' it loose.
Then what are you doing here?
Just keepin' an eye on things.
I'm gonna check the party out.
- Do you mind if I join you? - Not at all.
Let me just get my coat. Thanks.
- All right. - Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh! Yeah.
- How many "Evil Deads"? - One! Two!
- How many "Hellraisers"? - Hellraiser right here.
"The Fog," "Terror Train," "Prom Night."
How come Jamie Lee Curtis is in all of these movies?
She's the... scream queen.
- With a set of lungs like that, she should be. - Yeah.
Tits. See?
Oh, I'll get it.
Hey, Tate, grab another beer, would ya?
There's more beer in the garage.
What am I, the beer wench?
- She was nominated for "Terror Train." - Oh, yeah?
You are not gonna believe who's here! It's that chick from "Top Story"!
- Gale Weathers? - Here. Yeah.
You're under age, son.
I'm kiddin'. Have a good time.
- Dewey. - Hi.
Dewey.
- What is she doing here? - She's with me!
- I'm just checkin' things out. - So you did.
Now leave, and take your media mouth with you.
- I just think you're awesome. - Oh, thank you very much.
- I watch your show religiously. - That's great.
- Hey. - Hey.
I need a camera.
- Have you found my father? - I'm afraid not.
- Should I be worried? - Not yet.
That's the one I want... "Halloween."
Mmm.
Jesus!
Tatum, it's okay.
Shit.
Hey, shitheads!
Hello!
Shit. Piss.
Is that you, Randy?
Cute. What movie is this from? "I Spit On Your Garage"?
Lose the outfit. If Sidney sees it, she'll flip.
Oh, you wanna play psycho killer?
Can I be the helpless victim?
Okay, let's see... No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghost Face.
I wanna be in the sequel!
Cut, Casper. That's a wrap.
Randy, what the hell are you doing? Aaah!
Aaah! Stop!
Aaaah!
Fucker!
Aaah!
Aaah! Aaaah!
Aaaaah!
No! No!
- Happy curfew. - Nice party, Stu.
Tatum, come on! - There's nobody here but us chickens!
- Do you know where she is? - No, I haven't seen her.
Aaah!
Oh. Billy. Hey.
Billy. Hmm. What are you doin' here?
I was hoping I could talk to Sid alone.
You know, if Tatum sees you here, she'll draw blood.
Why don't you go up to my parents' room?
You know, you guys can talk, whatever.
Subtlety, Stu. You should look it up.
No, i-it's okay. We do need to talk.
Oooh! Oww.
What's Leatherface doin' here?
Cute. He came to make up.
There goes my chance with Sid. Damn it.
As if. That's all I'm sayin'.
As if.
Oh, really, Alicia?
"As if." I'm gonna go check on them.
Come on! - It was nice to meet all of you.
You're a genius.
- Oh, shit. - What?
- I got a delay. - How long is it?
I don't know. What'd it take you to walk from the house, 30 seconds?
Lt'll be fine. Just record it. Oh, the placement is perfect.
- Tell me, Kenneth... - Hmm?
Has a cheesy tabloid journalist ever won the Pulitzer?
Well, first time for everything.
You're damn right.
S-So, um...
So...
I'm sorry.
I've been selfish, and I want to apologize.
No, Billy, I-I'm...
the one who's been selfish and self-absorbed...
with all this post-traumatic stress.
- You lost your mom. - Yeah, I know, but you're right.
Enough is enough.
I can't wallow in the grief process forever...
and...
and I can't...
keep lying to myself about who my mom was.
Yeah, I think I'm really...
scared...
that I'm gonna turn out just like her, you know?
Like "The Bad Seed" or somethin'.
And I know it doesn't make sense.
Yeah, it does.
Hmm.
It's like Jodie Foster in "The Silence of the Lambs"...
when she keeps having flashbacks of her dead father.
But this is life.
This isn't a movie.
Sure it is, Sid.
It's all... It's all a movie.
It's all...
one great big movie.
Only you can't pick your genre.
Why can't I be a Meg Ryan movie?
Or even a good porno.
What?
You heard me.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
I think so.
Look, look, look. Here it comes.
- Whoa! - Ohh!
The blood is all wrong! Why do they do that? It's too red!
Wait. Here comes another.
- Oooh! Oooh! - Yes! Yes!
Predictable. I knew he was gonna bite it.
- How can you watch this shit over and over? - Shh!
I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts.
- When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts? - Breasts?
Not until "Trading Places" in '83.
Jamie Lee was always the virgin in horror movies.
- She never showed her tits 'til she went legits. - Could afford a decent pair.
That's why she always outsmarted the killer in the big chase scene at the end.
Only virgins can do that. Don't you know the rules?
- What rules? - You don't...
Jesus Christ. You don't know the rules?
Have an aneurysm, why don't ya?
There are certain rules one must abide by...
in order to successfully survive a horror movie.
For instance, number one: You can never have sex.
Big no-no! Big no-no!
I'd be a dead man.
Sex equals death. Okay?
You can never drink or do drugs.
No, the sin factor.
It's a sin. It's an extension of number one.
Never, ever, ever under any circumstances, say...
"I'll be right back," 'cause you won't be back.
- I'm gettin' another beer. You want one? - Yeah, sure.
- I'll be right back! - Ohhhh!
You push the laws and you end up dead. See you in the kitchen with a knife.
Only virgins can outsmart the killer in the big chase scene at the end.
- Don't you know the rules? - What rules?
You don't know the rules?
There are rules one must abide by to survive a horror movie. - Boring.
For instance...
The sheriff just radioed.
Somebody reported a car in the bushes down the road. I'm gonna go check it out.
- Would you care to join me? - I'd love to.
If you're sure it's all right.
Uh, ma'am, I'm the deputy of this town.
Be right back.
You push the laws, you end up dead.
- W... Excuse me, ma'am. - Mm-hmm?
I thought maybe we'd walk.
It's such a nice night out. I got a flashlight.
You're not scared, are ya?
No.
- All right. - Great.
- Do you know what that constellation is? - No. What is it?
I don't know. That's why I was askin' you.
What happened to Tatum, Stu?
She probably got pissed at me and bailed. Bye.
No, I'm just kidding.
Look! Here comes the obligatory tit shot!
- Yes! Oh! Beautiful! - Lovely!
Ohh! Ohh.
- Oh, my God. - I'll leave you guys alone.
You are so...
amazing.
Hello? Yeah?
Holy shit.
Listen up.
They found Principal Himbry dead.
He was gutted and hung from the goalpost on the football field.
- What are we waiting for? - Let's go over there before they bring him down.
- Hey. Hey. - To arms! To arms!
- Where did he say he was? - At the football field!
- Come on! - Where you guys goin'?
We were just gettin' to the good part.
Hello? Yeah?
Whoo!
Hi-ho, Silver! Let's go!
So, is... is Dewey your real name?
No, it's Dwight.
Dwight?
- I'm sorry. - No, that's all right.
Dewey's just somethin' I got stuck with a long time ago.
Well, I like it.
Sexy.
- Sexy? - Mm-hmm.
Ah, it's just this town's way of not takin' me serious.
What about Gale Weathers?
Sounds like I'm a meteorologist or something.
People treat me...
like I'm the antichrist of television journalism.
- I don't think you're that bad. - No?
No? No.
That's just 'cause you kinda like me.
They sure are comin' fast. Slow down!
Freeze... Jump!
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm on duty.
Is that what you're looking for?
My whole life.
- Damn! - What?
- What is it? - This is Neil Prescott's car.
- Sidney's father? - Yeah.
Jesus. What's he doing here?
We gotta get back.
You okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Who'd you call?
What?
Um, well, I don't know, when you're arrested you're allowed one phone call.
So I was just curious. Who'd you call?
Called my dad.
No, um, Sheriff Burke called your dad. I saw him.
Yeah, but when I called I didn't get an answer.
Huh.
You don't still think it was me, do ya?
No.
I was just thinking, if it were you it'd be a very clever way to throw me off track.
You know, using your one phone call to call me so I wouldn't think it was you.
Really.
What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not a killer?
- Oh, my God. - Huh?
- Oh, my God. - Sidney... - Billy, watch out!
- Aaah! - Aaaah!
Sid.
No!
Shit!
Help me, somebody! Help me!
Help me!
No, Jamie. Uh, watch out.
Watch out, Jamie. You know he's around.
You... You know...
Look, there he is. I told you.
I told you he was right around the corner.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie, look behind you. Look behind you.
Turn around. Behind you.
All the time! Behind you!
Behind you, Jamie.
Jamie, turn around. Ohh! God! Yeah.
Help me! Help!
Let me in!
- The killer's coming after me! He's in the house! - Where? Wait.
- There's a camera in the house. Look. - Behind you!
- Oh, my God. No. - Oh, shit.
Jamie. Jamie.
- Behind you, kid! - Randy!
- Behind ya! - Look around!
- Shit. - What?
- We're on 30-second delay. - Oh, my God.
Aaaah!
The... door.
Aaah!
- Is there a phone in the van? - Yeah.
Lock yourself in it. Call the sheriff for backup.
Be careful!
Neil?
Mr. Prescott?
Shit!
Oh!
Kenny, I need the cellular!
Kenny!
- Kenny! - Kenny! Kenny!
9-1-1.
- What's going on? - Ooh! Aah!
Aaaah!
Oh, God!
Oh!
Oh, God, Kenny, I'm sorry, but get off my fucking windshield!
Stop!
Oh, God!
Dewey!
Dewey, where are you?
Dewey!
Sidney?
Dewey!
Shit!
7825, suspect at 105 North Avenue 52.
Hello. Help me, please. I'm at Stu Marker's house on Turner Lane.
It's 261 Turner Lane. Please, he's going to try and kill me.
Sidney! Sidney!
Jesus, we've got to get the fuck out of here!
- Stop right there! - Don't shoot. It's me! I found Tatum. She's dead.
- I think Stu did it. - Don't listen to him, Sidney!
- Stay back! - Stu did it.
- He killed Billy. He killed my Tatum. - You did it!
- He killed my Tatum! - No, I didn't! - You lie!
Sidney, baby, please, give me that gun!
Give me that gun! Christ, man!
No, I didn't. Sid, he did it!
He did it, Sidney! Please, I didn't do it. He did it. Please!
- Please, Sidney. Oh! - Fuck you both!
- Please! - No! No! Sidney!
Open up! He did it!
Help me! He's going crazy!
Sidney! Go away!
Sidney?
Leave me alone.
- Sid. - Billy.
Oh! Billy. Billy. Are you okay?
- I'm okay. - I thought you were dead.
No, I'm like a stuck pig, but I'm all right.
Get up.
- I'm okay. - You're bleeding.
- Oh, my God. - We've gotta get help.
- No, he's out there! - No, give me the gun. Give me the gun. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
Careful.
- Please help me! - Come in, come in!
Stu's flipped out! He's gone mad!
We all go a little mad sometimes.
- No, Billy! - Oh, fuck!
Anthony Perkins, "Psycho."
Mmm.
Corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's blood in "Carrie."
Stu.
Help me, please.
Surprise, Sidney.
- No! - Ooh!
Oh, now. Whoa.
What's the matter, Sidney? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Why are you doing this?
It's all part of the game, Sidney.
- It's called "Guess How I'm Gonna Die." - Fuck you!
No, no, no, no, no. We already played that game, remember?
- You lost. - It's a fun game, Sidney.
See, we ask you a question, and if you get it wrong,
"boo-kah," you die!
You get it right, you die.
- You're crazy, both of you. - Actually, we prefer the term "psychotic."
- You'll never get away with this. - Oh, no?
Tell that to Cotton Weary.
You wouldn't believe how easy he was to frame.
Watch a few movies, take a few notes.
- It was fun. - No!
- Whoa! - Where're you goin'?
Why?
Why did you kill my mother?
Why? Why?
Did you hear that, Stu? I think she wants a motive.
I don't really believe in motive, Sid.
- I mean, did Norman Bates have a motive? - No.
Did they ever really decide why Hannibal Lecter liked to eat people? Don't think so!
See, it's a lot scarier when there's no motive, Sid.
We did your mom a favor, Sid.
That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone.
Yeah, we put her out of her misery, 'cause let's face it, Sidney,
your mother was no Sharon Stone, hmm?
Is that motive enough for you?
How about this?
Your slut mother was fucking my father,
and she's the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me.
How's that for a motive?
Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior.
It certainly fucked you up. It made you have sex with a psychopath.
That's right. You gave it up. Now you're no longer a virgin. Oooh!
I said "virgin." Whoops!
Now you gotta die. Those are the rules.
Let's pretend it's all a scary movie, Sid. How do you think it's gonna end?
Oh! Oh! This is the greatest part! You're gonna love this.
We got a surprise for you, Sidney.
Yeah, you're gonna love this one. It's a scream, baby!
Hold on a sec. I'll be right back.
You know what time it is, Sid?
It's after midnight.
It's your mom's anniversary. Congratulations.
We killed her exactly one year ago today.
Attention! Oh, what do we have behind door number three, Sidney?
- Daddy! - Whoa, hold it.
That's enough.
- Guess we won't be needing this anymore. - Uh-huh!
And, oh, look at this. Ring, ring. Won't need this.
Got the ending figured out yet, Sid?
Come on, Sidney. You think about it now, huh?
Your daddy's the chief suspect. We cloned his cellular.
- The evidence is all right there, baby! - What if your father snapped?
Your mother's anniversary set him off, and he went on a murder spree, killing everyone.
Except for Billy and me. We were left for dead.
Then he... kills you...
and shoots himself in the head.
- Perfect ending. - I thought of that.
Watch this.
- Ready? - Yeah. Yeah! I'm ready, baby!
Right! Get up! Yeah, babe, get up! Hit it!
Good one, man. Jesus.
Oh, shit.
My turn.
Don't forget. Stay to the side and don't go too deep.
Okay. I'll remember.
Aaah! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Goddamn it, Stu!
Sorry, Billy. I guess I got a little too zealous, huh?
- Give me the knife. - No.
Give me the knife!
Now!
You see, Sid, everybody dies but us. Everybody dies but us.
We get to carry on and plan the sequel,
'cause let's face it, baby, these days ya gotta have a sequel!
You sick fucks. You've seen one too many movies.
Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies.
Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!
Stop it, Billy, would you? All right?
I can't take any more. I feel a little woozy here!
All right. All right, you get the gun.
I'll untie Pops, okay?
- Now! - Okay.
Um. Uh...
Houston, we... we have a problem here.
- What? - The gun, man. The gun.
I put it right there, and it's not there.
- Where the fuck is it? - Right here, asshole.
- Man, I thought she was dead. - She looked dead, man.
- Still does. - I've got an ending for you.
The reporter left for dead in the news van...
comes to,
stumbles on you two dipshits,
finds the gun,
foils your plan and saves the day.
I like that ending.
I know something you don't.
Fuck. No!
Yeah, man.
Yeah. Aw, so sweet.
It works better without the safety on.
This is Gale Weathers signing off.
Babe, you're gonna love this!
Shit.
What?
Where are they? Where are they?
I don't know, but I'm hurtin', man.
Fuck!
Shall I let the machine get it?
Hello? Are you alone in the house?
Bitch! You bitch! Where the fuck are you?
Not so fast. We're gonna play a little game.
It's called "Guess Who Just Called The Police And Reported Your Sorry Motherfucking Ass."
- Find her, you dipshit. Get up. - I can't, Billy. You cut me too deep.
I think I'm dying here, man.
Talk to her. Talk to her.
- Hello. - Oh, Stu, Stu, Stu. What's your motive?
Billy's got one. The police are on their way. What are you gonna tell them?
Peer pressure. I'm far too sensitive.
I'm gonna rip you up, you bitch, just like your fucking mother!
- You've gotta find me first, you pansy-assed mama's boy! - Fuck!
Ow. You fuckin' hit me with the phone, dick!
Fucker, where are you?
You fuck!
- Did you really call the police? - You bet your sorry ass I did.
My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me.
Aaah! Bitch!
Aaah!
Aah!
Ohh! My arm!
I always had a thing for ya, Sid!
- Bitch. - In your dreams.
I'm sorry. It's all right.
Oh, my God, Randy, I thought you were dead.
I probably should be. I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin.
Fucker!
Say hello to your mother.
Aaah!
It's okay.
Guess I remembered the safety that time, you bastard.
Careful.
This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life...
for one last scare.
Not in my movie.
Dad.
Randy, help me out.
- Ow. Aah. - Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Hang in there, buddy. - All right.
- Over here. - Sorry, kid.
Okay, I think it's going to go something like this. Just stay with me.
Hi, this is Gale Weathers...
with an exclusive eyewitness account of this amazing breaking story.
Several more local teens are dead...
bringing to an end the harrowing mystery of the mass killing...
that has terrified this peaceful community...
like the plot of some scary movie.
It all began with a scream over 9-1-1...
and ended in a bloodbath that has rocked the town of Woodsboro,
all played out here in this peaceful farmhouse...
far from the crimes and the sirens of the larger cities...
that its residents had fled.
Okay, let's take it back to one. Come on. Move it.
This is my big shot. Let's go.